Does anyone really understand cryptocurrencies? Not me.
I don’t get Bitcoin, Ethereum, Tether, Cardano and Solana.
(The previous paragraph may be a list of cryptocurrencies or a San Francisco-based international law firm. You make the call.)
I’m lost and, frankly, angry. These discussions confuse me and when I’m confused, I get angry.
See what you’ve done?
Here’s all I know: People who are fully into cryptocurrencies – those who say it’s the wave of the future and you’ll be sorry you sat this one out – will say the same thing about something else in 10 years as they stack their cryptocurrency next to their beanie babies. They’re the spiritual descendants of people who insist you should buy gold because the stock market is going to crash. Or those who plan to live off the grid. Or those who say the Sacramento Kings will make the playoffs.
Maybe they’ll be right. History says they won’t be.
Unless they are.
The real problem for me is that people who trade in cryptocurrencies are sure they’re smarter than you and me, because they’ve seen the future and it’s . . . umm . . . well, never mind. Because describing how the future looks to them would require me to describe cryptocurrencies, which I can’t.
Back to the problem: Cryptocurrency investors are so sure they’re right that they’re smarmy about it. Which is why I’m a fan of Mr. Goxx.
Yes. Mr. Goxx.
Mr. Goxx is a hamster who has been “trading” cryptocurrencies since the start of the summer, with the help of two German guys in their 30s. Mr. Goxx lives in a cage and makes a daily decision on which cryptocurrency to invest in by a simple method: He runs on a hamster wheel until he stops and an arrow on the wheel points at a certain cryptocurrency – like on “Wheel of Fortune.” Then Mr. Goxx goes into one of two tunnels. One indicates he wants to buy, the other to sell. (His desires may have nothing to do with economics.)
From the time he began investing in June through early this past week, Mr. Goxx’s investments had grown nearly 20% – better than the general market, better than most other platforms.
Oh, there are plenty of reasons to dismiss his success: Small sample size. Luck. The vagaries of the market. The inherent ability of hamsters to understand cryptocurrencies.
But here’s what I really know: Mr. Goxx’s success takes people like me off the hook, because he lets us sneer at slicksters who tell us the world will soon be run on cryptocurrencies.
Cryptocurrencies are ridiculous. They’re a scam. And I’ll believe that until the day I’m standing outside a grocery store, asking if I can trade all my dollars for one freakacoin, only to discover that the freakacoin lost half its value in the previous day and that I still paid 10 times what it was worth. Then I’ll use my money to start a fire to cook a hot dog I found in the gutter.
At that point, I’ll regret failing to have Mr. Doxx handle my finances.
I will also regret not hiring Bitcoin, Ethereum, Tether, Cardano and Solana to represent me in court against a lawsuit from Big Cryptocurrency.
Reach Brad Stanhope at [email protected].